Hunting Jokes

TEACH HIM A LESSON

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?
The hunter said, "Sure" and headed for the car. Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!!!"
 

Deer hunters at the bar

One night during the local deer hunting season a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a deer hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. All the other deer hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzle officer demanded to know how that could be. The deer hunter replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A husband was out fishing until late afternoon...tired and hungry after a long day of fishing, he finally came in to grab supper and left his gear in his canoe. His wife decided that she wanted to go out on the lake and enjoy the sunset so she went down to the lake and pushed the canoe out. Not long afterwards a gamewarden came by, and asked if she had her fishing license with her. "I'm not fishing" she replied. The warden answered back, "While perhaps not, but you have all the equipment. I'm going to have to write you a citation for not having a license." The wife slightly aggitated but quick
on her feet said to him, "Well, alright. But I'm going to have to call the cops and have you arrested for raping me.". "What!!" the game warden replied, "I didn't rape you!". To this the woman replied, "While perhaps not, but you have all the equipment."

Dave and Fred get lost

One day Dave and Fred were Deer Hunting, and they got lost. Dave tells Fred "wait, don't panic I learned what to do in case this happens. Your supposed to shoot up into the air three times and someone will here you and come with help," "okay" said Fred. So he shoots three times into the air. They both wait an hour and no one shows up. So they shoot three times again and still no one shows up. Bewildered they try this again and again for the next couple of hours. Fred starts to look a little worried, then he shouts "It better work this time, were down to our last three arrows!"
 

3 deer hunters

Three men go deer hunting, two are smart, and one is dumb. The first smart one goes out and 2 hours later comes back with a deer. The other two ask how he did it, and he said, "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer, I killed the deer."

So the other smart one goes out, and 1 hour later he comes back with a deer. They ask how he did it. He said " I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer, I killed the deer."

So the dumb hunter goes out, and 2 hours later, he comes back beaten and bruised. The other 2 asked what happened. He said "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I got hit by a train."

2 deer hunters

Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

4 deer hunters
Four friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an ten-point buck.

"Where's Billy Bob?"

"Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Billy Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one, in their right mind, is going to steal Billy Bob."
They shot 6 deer

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six deer. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your deer, you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"

Elderly farmer and young wife

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.

"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife." said the doctor, "don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house." "I tried that," said the farmer, "but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."

The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your rifle with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the rifle and she will come down there where you are."

A few weeks later the two men met on the street.

"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.

"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "then deer hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."

Deer hunting in bear country

A first time deer hunter booked a hunt with an experienced outfitter. He would be hunting a productive area, but it was filled with grizzly bears. When he got to camp, he insisted that his guide be 60 years old or older. The outfitter thought this was very odd, seeing that the hunter himself was in his early thirties.

The novice hunter downed a nice buck, but skinning and butchering the deer attracted some big grizzlies in the area. The hunter returned to base camp with his clothes shredded, telling the story of being attacked by a bear.

The outfitter wanted to know where his guide was. The hunter said he was still laying in the woods. The outfitter asked him how his clothes got torn, and the hunter said that while they were working on the deer carcass, a grizzly bear had ambushed them and he was attacked.

He said, "I hit the bear with my gun and took off running. As I was running away the guide yelled at me to play dead, that you can't outrun a bear. I yelled back, I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."

Bruce and Bubba go deer hunting

Bruce and Bubba went deer hunting, and Bubba shot a deer. They started to take it back to their truck. They were pulling it by the hind feet. That made the fur snag on the ground, making it hard to pull.

Another hunter, seeing their dilemma, told them it would be easier to pull the deer by the rack. That way the fur wouldn't snag on the ground. The guys thanked the man, and he went on.

After a little discussion, they decided to drag it by the rack. Bruce turned to Bubba and said,"Ya know, this is a lot easier to drag now." Bubba said,"Yeah, but we sure are getting a long way away from the truck."

The old buck and young buck

Their was this old buck and a young buck standing on top of a ridge overlooking a lush meadow. Grazing in the meadow below were about 20 unsuspecting doe.

The young buck said to the old buck "Why don't we run down to the meadow and mate with one of those doe".

The old buck turns to the young buck and replied "Why don't we walk down to the meadow and mate with them all".

Moral of the story "With age comes wisdom".

Man and wife at the big horn show

A man takes his wife to the Big Horn show. As they strolled through the show enjoying sites they noticed a seminar on the life cycle of the deer. They thought that this sounded interesting so they went in and joined the seminar already in progress.

About that time the speaker stated that "A dominant buck may mate 100 or more times in a single season."

His wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! 100 times in a season, that's more than once a day! You could really learn from these deer."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Raise your hand and inquire if it was 100 times with the same doe."

Three bucks

Three bucks are in a mountain meadow complaining. They've heard a rumor that a huge buck has entered their area, and they aren't happy about sharing any of their does.

The Alpha buck says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the does, I've been pretty happy with MY 30 does. I am not about to share any of MY does with this new buck."

The second toughest buck says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 20 does, so I can't afford to share any of MY does."

The youngest buck says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I'm not going to give up any of My 10 does."

Suddenly the biggest, baddest buck they had ever seen appeared at the edge of the meadow. He must have weighed close to 375 pounds and with huge sweeping antlers. As the huge buck trotted towards the three other bucks the ground seemed to shake.

Suddenly the former Alpha buck is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW does."

The second toughest buck says, "Maybe if I hide in the bushes, he'll leave me alone."

But the small, young buck is snorting, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers in an extremely confrontational way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bucks trot over to the young buck and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth dying for. Just give the new buck your 10 does."

"He can HAVE my 10 does," replies the young buck, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BUCK!"

Two men go hunting

Two men from the states were very excited about a 3 day hunting trip. They were going to Canada to hunt some big game animals, since they were just used to hunting small deer, rabbit, and squirrel in the states. The first day the game warden wished them luck cause it hadn't been a good season and no one had killed anything in two weeks.

The two men left to go hunting and when they came back that night the warden greeted them by saying, "Have any luck?" The men pulled up a huge buck that they had killed which had a bullet hole right between the eyes. The warden congratulated them and said, "That was one heck of a shot."

The next day the warden greeted the two men again before they left and again wished them luck. This night the men came back with an even bigger buck and the buck also had a bullet hole right between the eyes. The warden was amazed at their success and also the good aim the hunters had.

The last day went about the same as the first two and on the last night the two hunters came back with a huge grizzly bear. The bear also had a bullet hole right between the eyes but it also had a hole in each paw. The warden noticed this and questioned the two men how that happened. One of the hunters replied with, "That's where he tried to cover his eyes from the spot light."

A man was recently stopped by a game warden in northern Missouri. The fellow carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asks the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going too have to impound them and arrest you." The man replied to the game warden, "No sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the warden replied. "Yes sir. Every night I bring these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and we go home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you it really works." "OK I've got to see this" (he was really curious now) The man poured the fish into the lake and stood there waiting. "When are you going to call them back?" the warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The fish" the warden said. "What fish?" the man asked

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing: his eyes are rolled in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow  my instructions.  First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence....and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now What?"

 

TOP TEN WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR HYPOCRITICAL, PETA-SUPPORTING NYC NEIGHBORS:
10. Drive down Broadway with your deer tied to the hood of your car.
9. Hang your unbutchered kill from your fire escape to drain.
8. Show off your fashionable new deerhide moccasins.
7. Use the politically correct paradox--invite them over for a low-fat, low-cholesterol venison dinner.
(Be sure to play "Bambi" on your VCR afterwards.)
6. Don't shower after four days in the woods.
5. Mount your deerhead over your fireplace.
4. Set out your hunting magazines on your coffee table.
3. Ask them if you can take their dog hunting with you.
2. Ask them if you can take their children hunting with you.

TEACH HIM A LESSON

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?
The hunter said, "Sure" and headed for the car. Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!!!"


And our number one way to piss off your do-gooder, hypocritical, PETA-supporting NYC neighbors:
1. Join the NRA.

One Liners:

"I just got a new rifle for my wife. It was the best trade I ever made."

"What is the definition of a non-typical whitetail?" "One that stays off the highway!"
 
"What is the definition of a workaholic?" "A person who dosn't hunt."

"I just love animals." "They taste GREAT !!!"

"What does PETA stand for?" "People Eating Tasty Animals"

Vegetarian -- Ancient Indian word for inept, clumsy hunter.

Protect your hunting rights, "Spay or neuter a liberal."

All jokes and pictures have been sent in by people like you and me so keep them coming, please email me at doemasters@aol.com if you have anymore to add. Be sure to check out whitetails.com for more hunting jokes and pictures.They have about everything you can imagine